The Man Who Holds Her Heart
by flutiedutiedute
Summary: Luka's gone, and Abby's left alone with a startling dilemmma. Will Luka come back? Who helps Abby in her moment of need? And most importantly, who *is* the man that holds her heart? Please R/R Chapter 5 Posted
1. The Message

The Man Who Holds Her Heart  
Part I: The Message   
  
Author: dougandcarol22 (gigglgrl26@hotmail.com )   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters used in this story. They belong to Michael Critchton, Warner Brothers, NBC, Amblin Productions and I'm sure a bunch more people who I forgot, sorry in advance. But just to tell you all Christmas is right around the corner… and you know that sure would make my day!   
  
Spoilers: I guess up through Season 7… nothing big I can think of, but there may be some general references. The events in Rampage (i.e. the Carter/Abby "discussion") never took place. Basically… Where the Heart Is, is the last episode that applies.   
  
Archive: Contact me, gigglgrl26@hotmail.com … odds are I'll say yes but I do want to know where this goes.   
  
a memory will be enclosed in these bracket things   
*~~~~~~~* Indicates some sort of scene change.   
  
And now… ladies and gentlemen what we've all been waiting for….  
___________________________________________________  
  
A lone couple walked together, across the cemetery, snow swirling around their heads. They were both dressed for the weather, him in a long black coat with a brown knit scarf around his head, and thick leather gloves adorning his hands. She wore a black parka, with red fleece gloves, a black fleece hat, and a similar red fleece scarf. In her hand, she tightly clutched a small stuffed bear, its brown fur marred with white snow. The man had his arm wrapped protectively around her, and she leaned wholeheartedly into his embrace.   
  
Upon closer inspection, one would observe the solemn empty looks the couple wore. Her face was bathed in the pasty whiteness that comes with the pain of losing someone close to you. And her eyes, red-rimmed from crying, were glued to the ground, minding where she stepped. The rosy color of his cheeks revealed that they'd been out in the cold long enough to be fully chilled to the bone. But while they both looked so saddened, there was an unspoken bond between them, a bond created by the love that they shared together. To observe their body language, which spoke volumes about who they were, and see the way their bodies melted together like pieces of a puzzle, it was enough to notice and admire their intense love for each other.   
  
With the snow still falling fiercely around them, she leaned down and brushed the snow off of a headstone, setting the bear down at the base. For just a moment a look of peace and warmth came over her face and she spoke, her voice soft and shaky but filled with the cheery warmth of love, "Hello Luke."  
  
*~~~~~*  
Three Years Earlier…  
  
"Hi You've reached Abby, I'm not home right now but if you leave your name, number, and a short message I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks." "Beep."   
  
At the door to the apartment, a key slid into a lock and it began to turn.   
A tired voice, void of any emotion, came onto the machine, it's owner obviously of foreign origin.   
  
Abby struggled into the room trying not to drop the grocery bags precariously balanced in her arms. She heard his voice on the machine and made a beeline for the phone, "Luka…wait, "she willed him.  
  
"Hello." She picked up the phone and was greeted by the chirp of the dial tone followed by silence.   
  
"Damn." Lifting the groceries from their fallen spot on the floor, Abby walked into the kitchen and hit the button on the answering machine.   
  
"You have 3 new messages," the mechanical voice confirmed. A buzzing filled the room as the tape forwarded to the first message.   
  
Beep. "Hey Abby, it's Eric. Just wondering how you're doing, uhhh… I'll call you later. Buh Bye." She smiled. Eric was so sweet, checking up on her like that. The machine finished that message telling her he'd called that morning around 10:00 a.m., when she'd been out doing laundry. The next message came on.   
  
"Ms. Lockhart, this is your landlord, I'm calling to remind you that your rent is due in three days. I will be coming by your apartment around 11:30 a.m. that day. Please be home and if you are not, kindly leave the envelope in my mailbox before that time. Oh… and I was wondering if you'd like to go get some dinner later tonight, I'll pick you up around 8? "   
  
Abby shook her head in disgust, Paul, her 55 year old, 250 Lb. landlord, had been hitting on her since she'd moved in. He couldn't seem to get the idea that she was in a relationship with Luka, though she'd told him on countless occasions. As the next message began she instantly recognized the voice as Luka's, though he sounded, well, off.   
  
Beep. "Abby… I…I need to talk to you, I…I just …I can't see you …I can't watch the expression on your face. Abby…" a shuddering sob overtook his voice as struggled to continue, "I can't see you anymore, it's over, you and me, it's…over…I'm going away…don't try to find me, its too hard. Something has come up and… we can't be together…good luck, Abby… I'll always love you…Goodbye."   
  
Her mouth stood open in shock. Leaving? Where? Her hands began to shake and she pushed the button again, hoping she'd heard wrong. As tears began to stream down her face she listened, confirming her worst fear. They were over. She knew they'd been having problems lately, but she hoped they could be worked out. Unable to stand on her own two feet any longer, she fell to the floor collapsing in a growing puddle of tears. She faintly heard the phone ringing and took a deep shaky breath before hitting the 'talk' button.   
  
"Hello."  
  
"Abby…it's Carter. I was wondering…," He paused as he heard her take another shuddering breath. "Hey …are you okay."  
  
"Yeah," she whispered, "No…."  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Luka…"she cried, her voice breaking mid-sentence.   
  
"Abby … Abby…" the sound of her crying punctuated his sentence. "Abby, I'm coming over."  
  
"No. I'll be okay."  
  
"You're obviously not okay... I'll see you soon."  
  
"John no..." But he'd already hung up. With a defeated sigh she too hung up, pressing the off button on the phone.   
  
As she set the phone down on the floor a memory came to her of a conversation she'd had with Luka only about a week ago. ….  
  
  
  
*~~~~~~~~~~~*  
  
A soft knock on the door brought her out of her memory.   
  
"Abby… are you in there?" called Carter. He heard a thump and then footsteps pad softly across the room. A short fumbling and the door creaked open. Afraid to speak so soon after her breakdown, Abby motioned him into the apartment.   
  
"Hey, "he said putting an arm around her shoulders and leading her to the couch to sit down. "What happened?"  
  
"Oh…." She took a deep breath to compose herself before continuing, "I … I came home after my shift at the hospital. I was really tired, because I'd just pulled a double. I didn't want to, but Lydia called in sick and we were already short on nurses. Weaver asked me…no more like told me to take another shift. Luka was supposed to be here when I got home. I … we'd been on the night shift together the night before, and were on our way home when Weaver told me to stay. See, Luka and I had planned to have an early breakfast at my place, he was gonna cook and then…" Abby shot John a look that said, "you know what we planned on next." While John grinned momentarily, she continued. "I told Luka that I needed to cover an extra shift, he seemed upset but not angry at me. Anyway, I told him to go to my place and sleep there, that I'd see him later that afternoon when my shift ended, which was supposed to be around 2:00. Kerry had found someone else to cover the rest of Lydia's shift. He agreed, we kissed and he left. When I got home from work finally about an hour ago, I checked my messages and there was one from Luka. He said that he was leaving Chicago and we were over."  
  
"Oh Abby, I'm sorry."  
  
"Yeah." Tears streamed down her checks like a slow rain shower, the type that's not too heavy but lasts for hours and hours. Embarrassed, she frantically tried to wipe them away, as more and more steadily fell.   
  
"I hate crying, " Abby declared, her voice breaking. John looked at her sympathetically and took her into his arms to calm down.   
  
"I'm so sorry, Carter, you shouldn't have to see me like this. It's just that, I never expected this. I mean, it didn't take a fool to see that we were having problems but I thought we'd work them out and everything was gonna be okay. Now it's over and I have yet another item to add to my list of failures."  
  
"Everything is gonna be okay, Abby. I'm gonna help you through this. It's gonna be okay."   
  
Violently, she shook her head, and spoke, her voice bitter and sarcastic, "It most certainly is not okay, I…I … I think I'm pregnant with his child, John."   
  
*~~~~~~~~~~*   
The End of Part One   
  
What do you think, should I continue? You tell me, send feedback, comments/suggestions, flames, encouragement, flowers, tombstone messages, etc… to gigglgrl26@hotmail.com. 


	2. If only . . .

The Man Who Holds Her Heart   
Part II: If Only…   
Author: dougandcarol22 (gigglgrl26@hotmail.com )   
  
Disclaimer: I know you're probably not gonna believe this, but guess what! Yesterday, I was sitting at my house when all of a sudden the phone rang. I picked it up and it was Warner Brothers, they said and I quote, " Since we know that you want them so badly, we're giving you the ER characters." So, in conclusion, the characters in this story are 100% totally mine. What? You mean it was only a dream?… Well in that case, I suppose I don't own anyone in this story… Sorry, my mistake.   
  
Spoilers: I guess up through Season 7… nothing big I can think of, but there may be some general references. The events in Rampage (i.e. the Carter/Abby "discussion") never took place. Basically… Where the Heart Is, is the last episode that applies.   
Archive: Contact me, gigglgrl26@hotmail.com … odds are I'll say yes but I do want to know where this goes.   
  
a memory will be enclosed in these bracket things   
  
*~~~~~~~* Indicates some sort of scene change.  
  
By the way, if you don't read the first part of this series it won't make much sense, so I suggest you do that first. This is the second installment. It picks up seconds after the other ones ending.   
___________________________________________________  
  
Appearing ashamed, Abby buried her face in Carter's arms, only to have him lift her face to his level, his hand on her chin. "What did you say?"  
  
"You heard me. I think I may be pregnant with Luka's baby." She shook her head and looked away as if something in the kitchen had suddenly distracted her.   
  
"But you're not sure."  
  
She sighed again and turned towards him. "I'm a couple days late, and I was sick this morning and yesterday. It was only in the morning, I felt better right after." Shrugging her shoulders she continued. "I bought a pregnancy test at the store. I was planning on surprising Luka with it when I got home. Ever since he lost his family in the war, he's wanted more kids. Sometimes, late at night when we had our most intimate conversations he would talk about them…" Abby's voice trailed off quietly, almost as if she were lost in a memory. Not wanting to push her, Carter stayed silent. Moments passed in awkward silence as the two sat, Carter waiting for Abby to talk, and Abby thinking about what to say next.   
  
Finally Carter spoke, "Why don't you lie down and take a nap. I'll make something to eat and unpack the groceries."   
  
She nodded a quick affirmation and swung her legs onto the couch. "Luka would have made a really good father. He… he once said he wanted to do it again. Be a father, I mean." Abby closed her eyes as Carter grabbed a woolen afghan off a nearby recliner and tucked it around her. He heaved a large sigh before walking towards the kitchen to unload the forgotten groceries.   
  
He began to unpack, searching first for perishables and things that needed to go   
into the refrigerator. A carton of milk, some diet coke, bread, cheese, fresh salad fixings, and some deli meat left the bags and were soon arranged in the fridge. A bag of potato chips and a couple of frozen dinners later, he was finished. All that remained in the bag was a People Magazine and the pregnancy test.   
  
Looking at it, he felt a sudden pang of remorse towards Luka. How could he just up and leave Abby without giving a reason or even saying good-bye? He left her, alone and pregnant. "Don't try to find me…" Now, he would never know his child. Abby would carry the baby for nine long, agonizing months and be alone without any help raising her child, their child. It made Carter angry to think of Luka and what he had done. Silently, for the first time since Lucy had died, John said a quick prayer. "Please, don't let her be pregnant." He couldn't stand even the thought of Luka, much less the possibility that a part of him was growing inside her womb.   
  
He willed himself to calm down. If Abby saw him like this it would only upset her even more, something he was sure she didn't need. He took a couple of pieces of bread and American cheese from the fridge and put them in the oven to make some grilled cheese sandwiches. Once they began to cook, he took out some ice, two glasses, and the diet coke. Returning once more to the fridge, he took out some lettuce, cucumbers and tomatoes to make a small salad. The timer rang, signaling that the sandwiches were finished and he removed them from the oven. He prepared two plates with the sandwiches and some potato chips, and set them on the table next to the glasses and small bowls of salad. Satisfied, he nodded to himself. For someone with few culinary skills, he could make quite the meal.  
  
Abby walked into the kitchen rubbing tiredness out of her eyes. "How long was I out?"   
  
He sent her a smile before replying, "About half and hour. I made something to eat. You hungry?" He looked at her hopefully.   
  
Abby frowned, ready to decline but seeing the look on his face, she broke into a smile. "You did this?" He nodded, chuckling.   
  
"I don't see anybody else around. Do you?" The jovial scene before her became too much and she giggled. "Hey don't laugh. Just because it looks nice, doesn't mean it tastes good." Abby raised her eyebrows as he walked over and linked arms with her.   
  
Then he spoke in the fake accent of a French waiter, "Your seat, Mademoiselle."  
Abby sat down and began to eat the sandwich. He followed suit and they ate in silence.   
  
As they finished she stood up and looked at him. "Thanks. It was good."  
  
"No problem. You go lie down, I'll clean up." She nodded and walked over to the plastic bag that sat on the counter. She reached inside and pulled out the small cardboard box. Sighing heavily, Abby leaned on the counter intently staring at the box, turning it around in her hands as Carter cleaned.   
  
"I think I'm gonna try this."  
  
Carter nodded supportively, "That sounds like a good idea. Once you know for sure, it'll be easier to think about what you're gonna do."   
  
Carter watched as she nodded and walked across the room to the door. "I'll see you in a couple minutes." He nodded again.   
  
As she walked away Carter felt something tear at his heart. He was in love with that woman. What had begun as a friendly work relationship had become friendship and now, he hoped something more, romantic involvement at the very least. Preferably, marriage, children, and spending the rest of their lives together. He longed to walk into that room with her and hold her hand as she took the test. He wanted to hold her as they looked at its results and kiss her, regardless of what it said, safe in the fact that she carried his child. This shocking revelation seemed to come as a surprise, although he knew that it was destined to happen. It was almost as if a sudden peace had come over him, his tortured soul calmed at what he had finally admitted, he was madly, deeply, head over heels in love with Abby Lockhart.   
  
As Carter continued to clean the room he began to form an image in his mind. The two of them, together, in a labor and delivery ward in the hospital. She was pregnant, with his baby and as the doctor coached her to push he could feel the adrenaline of impending fatherhood upon him. Loosing himself in the fantasy, Carter was sure he heard the doctor speak, "It's a girl." The tiny baby, a splitting image of Abby was placed into his arms and all was good in the world.   
  
Meanwhile, Abby stood in the bathroom having successfully completed the test and set the timer for when the results would be ready. What had she gotten herself into? She was pregnant; she didn't really need the test to tell her that. Now, the baby's father was gone, likely never to return. She would be forced to raise the baby of a man she didn't really love at all, on her own. However, that was the least of her worries, for the man she was in love with since the moment she had met him was standing in her kitchen. Of course, she hadn't realized this until about an hour ago sitting with him on the couch. Up until now, her relationship with Luka and her sponsorship status had stopped her from thinking about him in any other way than a friend. At times it had been a struggle but she had managed, denying the inevitable and ignoring the signals her heart was sending. In fact, when she thought about it, she'd asked Luka out to stop herself from being tempted by a man she couldn't have. And now, even though Luka was gone, she knew that she couldn't have Carter. A weight had been lifted from her shoulders having finally admitted the feeling, but she could only hope and wish that he felt the same way. Her face broke into a grin, she was madly, deeply, head over heels in love with John Truman Carter the third.   
  
Abby walked into the kitchen and found Carter wiping his hands on a dishrag, having successfully finished cleaning up from their impromptu meal. She observed that he seemed to be immersed in memory as he was smiling delightedly and staring off into space, his eyes dazed. She took a step forward and spoke, "Hey."   
  
He looked up at her and smiled, looking surprised and almost embarrassed to have been caught daydreaming. "Did you take it?"  
  
"Yeah. Now we wait… I uh… set the timer." She set the timer down on the kitchen table and looked at it. "5 minutes."  
  
Carter joined her at the table, sitting down in a chair right across from where she sat. "You know, whatever happens I'll be here."  
  
"I know. And, I thank you. Carter, you've been so good to me." He put up a hand to silence her, but she continued anyway. "No, you have to let me say this. I need to tell you." Carter shrugged.   
  
"Abby, I know. You helped me too. That's what friends do. I'm paying back old debts, don't forget, who was the person who saved my life?"  
  
"Please, Carter, for my own sanity, let me say this." Abby grinned. "Well now that you interrupted me, I'm gonna have to start over." He groaned and she giggled. "So… Starting over, I just want to thank you for all that you've done for me, dealing with Maggie, coming to Oklahoma, putting up with all my crap and now this. I don't know where I'd be without you."   
  
Before he could speak again, the timer rang and they both looked at each other. "Remember what I said, Abby. I'm always gonna be here for you no matter what happens."   
  
She shook her head in affirmation. Then her face contorted into a sarcastic grin, "It's funny, I'm gonna walk into a bathroom and look onto a little white piece of plastic for some colored lines. Depending on the color and amount of these lines, my life might be changed forever." Carter took a deep breath, and offered her his hand, which she took willingly, squeezing tightly.   
  
They walked up to the bathroom door, Abby's grip still tight on Carter's hand and she reached with her other hand towards the doorknob. Her hand shook as she gripped the cold, metal attachment. Then suddenly her hand dropped. "I can't do this," she whispered.   
  
"Do you want me to go in and look?" Carter inquired. She agreed with a quick nod of the head and loosened the grip on his hand. Then he walked into the room and took it into his hand. A pink plus sign. Carter looked at Abby, "It's positive."  
  
*~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
End of Part 2  
  
What do you think, should I continue? You tell me, send feedback, comments/suggestions, flames, encouragement, flowers, tombstone messages, etc… to gigglgrl26@hotmail.com. 


	3. Change is Different

The Man Who Holds Her Heart  
Part III: Change is Different  
  
Author: dougandcarol22 (gigglgrl26@hotmail.com )   
  
Disclaimer: This really stinks. The owners of the ER characters still haven't called to give me my rights, unless they left a message and I missed it…. Till then I'm waiting fot them to call. But, since that probably won't happen in the next 5 minutes, (not to mention next 5 centuries) for the time being I own nobody in this story. Oh wait, I just realized that I made somebody up, all by myself! Yes that's right, I own Dr. Karen Soburg, sadly no one else at this time.   
  
Spoilers: You're good if you've seen up through Season 7. The events in Rampage (i.e. the Carter/Abby "discussion") never took place. Basically… Where the Heart Is, is the last episode that applies. Up to that, anything is fair game.   
  
Setting: This story takes place during the summer of Season 7, however as said above, the Carter/Abby discussion in "Rampage" NEVER took place. So for now, since we are still in the summer, Susan Lewis has not yet returned.   
  
Archive: Contact me, gigglgrl26@hotmail.com … odds are I'll say yes but I do want to know where this goes.   
  
a memory will be enclosed in these bracket things   
8~~~~~~~~~~~~8 Indicates some sort of scene change.  
  
By the way, if you don't read the first two parts of this series it won't make much sense, so I suggest you do that first. This is the third installment. Enjoy…  
___________________________________________________  
  
One week later  
  
The week had gone by in a blur for Abby, and she now found herself sitting in the waiting room of her O.B. She took a look around her; the walls were painted a dull shade of pink and posters containing tons of useless information covered them. She tapped her foot on the floor in boredom and waited for them to call her name. Hearing a chair creak, Abby turned towards a couple sitting a couple of chairs away from her. The man, tall and muscular, with sandy blond hair and clear blue eyes held his wife's hand in his own. The woman, a medium height redhead with emerald green eyes, lazily stroked her large abdomen. She turned and looked at Abby, smiling.   
  
"Your first?"  
  
Taken aback, and somewhat embarrassed for being caught staring, she stuttered, "Uh, yeah."  
  
The woman nodded and motioned towards her belly, "My third, and fourth. Twins."   
  
Abby smiled politely back, "Congratulations." The woman nodded as Abby's name was called and she walked up to the desk.   
  
A nurse with light brown hair and a freckled face motioned for her to follow her. Abby carefully observed the awful peach colored scrubs she wore, and giggled inwardly, as much as she complained about the color that she was forced to wear, she'd prefer her shade of lavender any day. The nurse pointed to a room and handed her a gown. "Take off your clothes and change into this. Wait here and the doctor will be in to see you shortly."  
  
Abby nodded," Thanks." The nurse walked away, shutting the door behind her. Abby quickly changed into the uncomfortable cotton gown with dark blue spots. Then, she took a seat on the examining table. Moments later her O.B., Dr. Karen Soburg, walked into the room.   
  
"Hello, Abby, how are you doing?"  
  
"Good."   
  
The doctor nodded and began her exam. "How is the morning sickness?"  
  
"Umm… still pretty bad." Dr. Soburg nodded again and made a quick note in the chart.   
  
Twenty minutes later after finishing the exam and some more paperwork, she instructed Abby to get re-dressed and smiled.  
  
"Have you told your husband?"  
  
" I… I'm not married."  
  
The doctor sounded surprised "Oh? Have you told your boyfriend you're expecting?"  
  
She shook her head in embarrassment. "He uh … he left me. I don't know where he is."  
  
"Oh." She raised her glasses on her nose and looked Abby right in the eye. "Are you going to keep the baby?" Abby hesitated before responding. This was the same question she had been asking herself since Carter told her the test was positive. On one hand, she worried that she would pass the bi-polar disorder onto her child, which she didn't want to risk. In addition, the baby would grow up fatherless, and she could only hope that Carter would stick around long enough to act as a male-figure in the baby's life.   
  
On the other hand, Abby didn't think she could give the baby up for adoption, and her first abortion had been too hard and caused so much emotional pain, not to mention the physical distress. Plus, the baby would be a companion to help get her through those lonely nights, somebody who would love her no matter what, even if she never found another husband.   
  
Abby looked at the doctor, contemplating the answer. The real answer was that she didn't know. Slowly her head nodded and without even thinking she blurted out, "Yeah, I'm gonna keep it."  
  
The doctor looked pleased. Abby assumed it was hard for her to support abortion, seeing happy mothers and couples in want of children so often. "Good. Then you're done for today make another appointment around a month from now, at the front desk. Everything looks good, take care of yourself and keep taking those pre-natal vitamins."  
  
Abby nodded, smiling, she was going to have a baby. In a daze, she re-dressed, made the appointment at the desk, and made her way to the parking garage. She stepped into the car and sighed. What was she getting herself into? As she pulled out of the lot into the busy street, a tear unconsciously slipped down her cheek and onto her black cotton tank top. She almost regretted her impulsive behavior back in the clinic. How could she support and care for such a helpless being? At this point in her life, she was barely capable of keeping herself from falling over the edge. In the quiet serenity of the car, Abby silently prayed that the implications of the baby wouldn't scare Carter away and cause her to loose the one last bond she shared with another human being.   
  
8~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~8  
  
Carter looked up from the table in the lounge, where he sat working on some old charts, as Abby walked into the room. "Hey. How'd it go?"  
  
"Okay. The doctor said everything looks good." Carter waited for her to say something else, as she had sounded like there was more she wanted to say.   
  
"And? "He prompted.  
  
Abby shrugged nonchalantly. "Nothing." Avoiding his inquisitive look, Abby began to fumble with her locker. The silence guilted her into taking a peek at his face, which was fixed upon her, set in a questioning glare. "I'm keeping the baby, John."   
  
He looked surprised as she turned around to see his reaction. "I didn't think that was a decision that had to be made."   
  
Abby shrugged again, unsure how to respond to his comment. She decided to ignore it and continue with what she was saying. "I'm not going to try and find Luka. He left, for whatever his reasons were, and I don't think I could take him back. Not now, after what he did to me. I have the baby to think of. I'm going to raise it myself. Without his help." She nodded to herself, unsure if what she had just said was to the benefit of herself or Carter.   
  
She was relieved when he nodded. "If that's what you think is best for you and the baby, Abby. I support your decision, if that's what you want."  
  
For the first time she nodded, sound in the decision she'd made. "It is."  
  
For a brief moment, Carter saw what was happening with Abby as almost a repeat of what had happened to Carol Hathaway years ago. A seemingly strong relationship shattered into pieces. The woman, left alone and pregnant while the man left unexpectedly, unknowing of the child he had fathered. It was different, however in the sense that Carol had known where Doug was, where Abby had no idea of Luka's whereabouts, much less his reasons for leaving. In fact, Carter realized that he, himself, was replacing the job of the male friend that Luka had held in Carol's situation. He shuddered involuntarily; his veins bubbling with hate for the so-called Croatian sensation that had created this situation. He nearly pointed this similarity out to Abby, when his common sense got the better of him and he decided to keep his mouth shut.   
  
As Abby finished getting ready to start her shift, she sighed tiredly and rubbed the back of her neck. Carter looked on from where he sat, wearing a concerned look on his face after hearing her obvious distress. "You okay?"  
  
The sudden realization that she was being watched dawned on her, and she grinned for his benefit. "Yeah, peachy." He shook his head at her, reproachfully, and she sighed, defeated. After all, she had been his former sponsor and knew he could easily see through her, when she lied. It was the same way she could she through him when he lied about being fine. Abby cast her eyes toward the floor guiltily, expecting a speech. However, the silence that ensued proved worse, and she decided to give a short answer before she began to pour her heart out to him once again. "I haven't really been sleeping lately. I've had a lot on my mind."  
  
He saw right through her, "And?"  
  
She felt a sudden urge to share her burdens with him. "I keep seeing his face, whenever I close my eyes, and when I sleep he haunts me in my dreams. I need to know why he left, was it something I did? Did he sense I was pregnant and run away from the commitment? And what am I going to do with this baby? I hadn't even decided I was going to keep it until today." She paused, collecting her thoughts, then spoke again, slower but still troubled. "What am I going to do when he or she asks about their father? How am I going to look into my child's face and not see him, Carter, how?"   
  
"Hey. Listen, c'mere." He stood up from the couch and papers scattered everywhere. Oblivious, he walked over to where she stood and enveloped her in a friendly embrace. "Maybe you should go lie down in an empty exam room. I don't think we're that busy. I'll let Mark know where you are, ok?"  
  
She nodded and sniffled quietly, hoping to save herself the embarrassment of breaking down in front of him yet again. She allowed herself to be held for a couple more seconds, before regaining her composure, and gently stepping away. "Thanks, I needed to vent a little. It gets pretty lonely in an empty apartment, mulling over all these thoughts. I guess I need a cat or something."   
  
He smiled at her as the heavy wood door creaked open, and Haleh stuck her head inside. "Carter, Abby, we need you. There's a multiple victim MVA, mini van vs. jeep. At least 4 major, 3 minor."  
  
Carter jumped into action, grabbing his stethoscope from the table and the gown Haleh held out to him. "ETA?"  
  
As the three left the lounge, the doors crashed open and a gurney, trailed by the loud voices of paramedics, wheeled through. Haleh ran to it, turning back momentarily to yell, "NOW!"  
  
Abby looked at Carter before running after the next gurney, "So much for not being too busy…"  
  
8~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~8  
  
After the trauma was dealt with, and things had considerably calmed down, the two caught up with each other. Carter was the first to spot Abby, sitting tiredly at the front desk, flipping through a chart. He walked up to her, "Hey."  
  
"Hey. Haven't seen you in a little while. Did that little girl make it?"  
  
"Yeah, sent her up to the OR, I think she's going to be just fine. How about the father?"  
  
Abby shook her head. "When the paramedics brought him in, he was in asystole. We worked on him for 40 minutes, never got a response, Chen called it."  
  
After a brief moment of silence, in respect for the newly deceased man, Carter replied, "Do you wanna go over to Doc's, maybe get some lunch?"  
  
"That sounds nice. Give me a minute to finish up with a patient, okay? I'll meet you in the lounge in five?"  
  
"Sure."   
  
Fifteen minutes later, the two sat in a booth at Doc Magoo's, across the street from the hospital. The waitress came over with a turkey sandwich and a hot tea for Abby, and a hamburger and fries with a Coke, for Carter. As they began to eat Abby looked his way and said, "Did you realize this is our booth?"  
  
"Why is that?"   
  
"Think about it, we sit here almost every time we come here, and it's where we had our first real conversation as friends. That night when you asked me to be your sponsor, remember?"   
  
He laughed, " I remember, you know you women remember the strangest things."  
  
"That's our job, if we didn't who would? Certainly not the men, I'll tell you that much."  
  
Carter shook his head in mock annoyance. Then, he looked up at her again, "Seriously, Abby are you okay?"  
  
"Hey, I thought it was me who was supposed to be your sponsor!" Seeing the serious look he shot her, she reconsidered her answer, pausing a second before speaking. "I am. It's really hard sometimes, but I promise you if anything changes you'll be the first to know."   
  
"You haven't thought about turning back to alcohol?"  
  
"Sure, plenty of times. But, I guess if he had to leave me like this, it was a good time. I mean, even if I'm seriously thinking of having a drink, I know I can't, because of the baby. It all else fails there's that, I suppose. As much as I'm not sure about having it, I wouldn't do anything to hurt it." She looked him straight in the eye, and seeing he was indeed listening intently to everything she said, continued, " Its weird, I've only known about the baby for a week, but I find myself thinking about it like a person, talking to it at night. I mean, I know its silly, its only a fetus, barely even a living thing but…"  
  
"No, Abby, that's not silly. Continue."  
  
"Oh its nothing, I just, a week ago I never thought I would be out of a relationship expecting a baby. I'm still getting used to it."  
  
Lost in the deepness of her chocolate brown eyes, Carter replied, "Me too."  
  
She gave him a funny look, "What?"  
  
Carter snapped out of his trance, realizing he had spoken aloud and tried to cover. "Nothing. Listen Abby, change is well, different. It will take some getting used to, but everything will work out in the end."   
  
"How can you be so sure?"  
  
"I can't, I don't know any more than you do about our future. But, well, what's the point of expecting the worst is in store? You'll only damage the present."  
  
She raised her eyebrows. "Getting spiritual with me, Carter?"  
  
He chuckled, " No. I learned a lot of stuff in rehab and AA meetings. It just doesn't pay to think that way. I suppose that's why I turned to the drugs after the stabbing and Lucy's death." He shrugged. "I guess you could call it my new outlook on life."  
  
She laughed at loud, a sound that was like music to his ears. "I get it, one of those is the cup half empty or half full type things. Right?"   
  
"Make fun of it all you want, Abby, but it works."  
  
"I'll trust you on that one." She shook her head, rubbing a tear of laughter from her eye. "We really should be getting back, I shudder to imagine what kind of rumors they've sent around in the what, 20 minutes, that we've been away."  
  
"Yeah, you're right. We should do this again sometime. It's nice just to talk. Do you wanna grab some dinner tonight?"  
  
As they stood up to leave the restaurant, he placed a $20 on the table and offered his arm to her. Giggling, she took it. "Are you paying, because I'm eating for two now."  
  
Carter squeezed her arm and laughed, "You bet."  
  
*```````````````````*  
End of Part 3  
  
What do you think, should I continue? You tell me, send feedback, comments/suggestions, flames, encouragement, flowers, tombstone messages, etc… to gigglgrl26@hotmail.com. 


	4. When the Bow Breaks and My World Crumble...

The Man Who Holds Her Heart  
Part IV: When the Bow Breaks, and My World Crumbles   
  
Author: Robbie: dougandcarol22 (gigglgrl26@hotmail.com )   
  
Disclaimer: I'm all out of breath here, because the most amazing thing has happened. Today, while I happened to be cleaning John Well's office, I heard this little voice calling me from the closet. "Robbie…Robbie…" I went and opened it up and low and behold there are all the ER characters, old and new. They asked me to take them home with me so I grabbed a plastic sandwich bag and stuffed them in, then I ran as fast as I could all the way home. So now here I am and I own all of them, they are all mine!! Hold on a sec, that's the doorbell… Guess what? John Wells just came and stole them back, sorry guys, I now own nobody in this story…bummer.   
  
Spoilers: You're good if you've seen up through Season 7. The events in Rampage (i.e. the Carter/Abby "discussion") never took place. Basically… Where the Heart Is, is the last episode that applies. Up to that, anything is fair game. Also, I am going to be using some spoilers for unseen Season 8 episodes. So, beware, don't say I didn't warn you.   
  
Setting: This story is now going to become an alternate Season 8 and beyond. Since I don't like some of the things I've been hearing spoiler-wise they may not happen but since I am the author that is my choice.   
  
Authors Note: Things have been going kind of slowly for a while, but for my sake and for yours I'm going to pick them up a little and say its now September, and Abby is three months pregnant. Throughout these last two and a half-months that there has been no actual writing by me, Abby and Carter have continued to grow as friends and each as come to a point where while they won't admit it yet to the other (only themselves), they are in love. So far, though, they are still friends, and NOTHING romantic has happened. Abby's pregnancy is going well and she is still not showing, so the staff, except for Carter, Mark Greene, and Kerry Weaver, don't about it yet. She has not heard from, or seen Luka, nor has she attempted to contact him. That's it, enjoy the fic. For an additional author's note, see the end of the story, I chose not to put it here on purpose to avoid spoiling the story.   
  
Archive: Contact me, gigglgrl26@hotmail.com … odds are I'll say yes but I do want to know where this goes.   
  
a memory will be enclosed in these bracket things   
8~~~~~~~~~~~~8 Indicates some sort of scene change.  
  
This fic is dedicated to all the victims and their friends and families of the tragedies that occurred in the United States on September 11, 2001. You have my heartfelt sympathies. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time of mourning and sadness.   
By the way, if you don't read the first three parts of this series it won't make much sense, so I suggest you do that first. This is the fourth installment. Haha, now that I've spent an entire page on administrative things on to the Fic!   
___________________________________________________  
  
In the dead of night, Abby sat in an aged wooden rocking chair next to the window, where rain poured down in angry torrents, outside. Her eyes staring out into space, she lazily ran her hand over her exposed belly that was only beginning to take a slightly different, more rounded shape. A cool breeze chilled her and she pulled down the white cotton tank top she wore over a pair of blue plaid boxer shorts, and resumed the gentle caress of her stomach over the soft fabric. A bolt of lightening followed by the deep rumble of thunder, momentarily illuminated the dark room she sat in. As if the sudden noise and flash of light had awoken her from a trance, Abby slowly began to rock back and forth in the chair, which creaked ever so often from its years of age. She exhaled deeply in almost a sigh, sliding her feet into the slippers that waited under the rocking chair, and stood up.   
  
Her slippered feet dragged across the floor and she found herself stopping in front of the clock, hoping to catch a glimpse of the time. Bright red numbers glared at her tired eyes, momentarily distorted as they struggled to focus in the blackness that engulfed the bedroom. 2:01, Abby sighed again, she was physically and emotionally exhausted, yet unable to sleep.   
  
This sleepless cycle had being going on ever since Luka left. She would stay up all night then go to work all day, and finally come home and sleep for a couple hours before nightmares would again haunt her sleep and she'd spend the rest of the night awake. The result being a lack of sleep that she needed now, even more so because of the life she was supposed to be taking care of, that lived inside of her body. Abby surmised that after getting used to sleeping in the warm comforting arms of another human being, it took a long time to get used to sleeping alone again. She missed the feel of his body, wrapped around hers through the late nights, and the king size bed seemed far too empty to sleep in without another person. She found that when she tried, she'd only end up hysterically crying into her pillow, and had almost stopped sleeping in the bed at all. A week ago, when she'd been feeling particularly exhausted, yet unable to sleep in the bed, she'd almost called Carter and asked him to come hold her while she slept. She'd decided against it, for fear of doing something they would both regret.   
  
However, When she really thought about it, she enjoyed the stillness of the night, the peace and serenity it brought. It gave her the oppurtunity to really think, without being bothered much by the noises and other distractions that were a part of daily life in Chicago. She would have intimate conversations with herself, contemplating and analyzing most everything that had happened so far in her life by reaching deep into her soul for the answers she craved. And while one would think this would only torture and burden her already heavy soul, in retrospect, it had actually helped her to make peace with some of those inner demons.   
  
In fact, she now felt a strong bond with the baby growing inside her womb, talking to it often, and she could never resist the urge to rub her tummy, almost feeling as if it were stroking the baby itself. The ultrasound pictures from early last week were posted in various rooms of her apartment, the most recent one, sitting in a frame next to the king size bed. Abby longed for the day that she could feel the baby kick inside her stomach, and see the outline of a head, two arms and two legs on the ultrasound. Even more than that, she lived in constant excitement of actually holding her child. More than ever, she regretted aborting her first pregnancy all those years ago when she was married to Richard. Her original fears had been calmed somewhat, eased by the bond she now shared with the baby, and she realized that even if this baby was sick, she would love it with all her heart. Her fears about herself as a mother had also almost disappeared, as she felt such motherly instincts towards the baby, her worrying about such trivial things had all but stopped.   
  
Abby slipped out of her pajamas and wrapped a heavy white terrycloth robe around her body. As she walked into the bathroom to take a hot bubble bath she softly blew a kiss to the ultrasound picture on the nightstand. Then, in a hushed whisper she spoke, hoping to make peace at least for this night and be able to get some sleep. "Thank you for giving me this baby, Luka."   
  
8~~~~~~~~~~~~8   
  
With a groan, Carter rolled over in bed and took a quick look at the clock lying next to his bed. He pushed the button and a green luminescent light filled the screen behind red numbers. The bright light taunted his eyes, and he momentarily shut his eyes to block it out. When he opened them, they had adjusted somewhat and he read the time with more ease, 2:01. Unsure what exactly it was that had awoken him from a deep sleep, he closed his eyes and tried to return to the dream he'd been in the middle of. Moments passed, as he proved unsuccessful and he sat up to get out of bed.  
  
Carter walked over to the window in his bedroom, and pushed the curtain aside. From his view he could see the rain beating down heavily on the busy street he lived off of. The bouncing of the millions of tiny raindrops bore a striking resemblance to a marching army, going straight into battle. The bright headlights of a car contrasted with the pitch-blackness of the night as it stopped at a red stoplight. He sighed again, as his thoughts directed to Abby.   
  
At any given moment in the day, he could conjure up a picture of her in his head; the short brown hair, her cute little nose, and her beautiful chocolate brown eyes. She was beautiful in her simplicity, lacking the long blond hair, the clear blue eyes, the fat red lips and the enlarged bust size that was often conjured in ones mind when thinking of beauty. Not to John Carter; he realized that even though she lacked these so called "supermodel" features, he openly admitted that it was the combination of her features and her caring personality that could make his heart beat just a little bit quicker each time he saw her. It almost made him laugh, he'd spent his entire life searching for love, and continually fallen for blondes, now he had finally fallen in love, and the woman in question was a brunette   
  
The truth was he was in love with her. And this time, he was sure he had finally found the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, the only problem was she didn't feel the same way and was carrying another man's child. Carter knew that he would wait for her to be ready, whether or not that actually happened, he couldn't fall in love again with anyone but she. When he had been seeing Harper Tracey, he thought he'd been in love, and when she left, he had been heartbroken, but had quickly gotten over it. The truth was he thought he had been in love with many other women, Abby Keaton, Anna Del Amico, and even Lucy Knight. Of course there had also been others, failed relationships where love hadn't even been an idea at the back of his head, such as with Roxanne, and least of all with Rena. But this time it was different, this time it was real. He found himself thinking about her all the time; her presence graced his sleep, and when he wasn't by her side, he always wondered what and how she was doing.   
  
With this thought on his mind, Carter wondered what she was doing at this very moment. He highly doubted that she was sleeping, he already could see the exhaustion that was slowly overtaking her body and soul. He'd confronted her about this very topic only yesterday and she'd insisted she was fine, and changed the subject. She'd gotten angry with him later, when he asked if she'd let him prescribe some sleeping pills to help her sleep. It was obvious she was concerned about taking medication while being pregnant, and he could already see the maternal instinct that was beginning to change the way she acted. He yawned tiredly, resisting the urge to call her and make sure she was doing okay. Instead, he got back into bed, and soon fell into a deep sleep with dreams filled with thoughts of his dear Abby.   
  
8~~~~~~~~~~~~8   
  
That morning when Carter woke up it was still raining. He got into the shower and stayed in for over half an hour letting the hot, steamy water cascade down his body, massaging his aching muscles. Suddenly, he realized that he was late, and jumped out of the shower wrapping a towel around his middle. He and Abby were working the same shift, and since her car was in the shop, he had promised to give her a ride to work. Taking a quick glance at the clock on the way to the closet, he confirmed that he had only 10 minutes to get ready or there would be hell to pay with Weaver.   
  
Moments later, Carter emerged from the closet, dressed in khaki pants, a button down shirt and a pair of suspenders. He completed the ensemble with a Dark Brown striped tie. After quickly brushing his teeth and shaving the stubble on his face, he was on his way.   
  
Fifteen minutes later he arrived at Abby's apartment, parked the car and went to ring the buzzer. In seconds, he heard her voice over the speaker, "Hello."  
  
"Hey Abby, it's Carter, you ready to go? "  
  
"Yeah, I'll be down in a sec."  
  
True to her word Abby appeared a couple minutes later, catching her breath. "Hey."  
  
"Hey."  
  
They got into the car and traveled to work making chatty conversation the entire way, and arriving with just enough time to deposit their things in the lounge before beginning to see patients.   
  
8~~~~~~~~~~~~8   
  
Carter walked up to the admissions desk, his eyes quickly scanning the surrounding area for a glimpse of Abby, who he hadn't seen since lunch, almost two hours ago. "Hey, Randi." She nodded a hello, her eyes never leaving the magazine she casually flipped through. "Seen Abby?"  
  
Randi looked up at him, snapping her gum to the same beat as her foot tapped against the chair leg. She shook her head, "No, but Weaver wants you to take the leg-lac in two."  
  
He sighed, "If you see Abby, tell her I'm looking for her okay?" Randi mumbled a short response in the affirmative, and grabbing the chart she held out, was on his way.   
  
Carter walked into exam 2, snapping on a pair of sterile gloves. He smiled at the sheepish looking woman sitting on the table, clutching a towel to her leg and introduced himself. "Hello, I'm Dr. Carter, what seems to be the problem?"  
  
8~~~~~~~~~~~~8  
Meanwhile, as Carter began with his patient, Abby sat sitting in the lounge talking to Kerry Weaver, who had become very friendly since Abby told her about the baby. Kerry babbled on about the conference in Africa she'd just returned from, when a look of pain passed over Abby's face. "Abby are you okay?"   
  
Abby smiled for Kerry's benefit and nodded. "Fine." She rubbed her stomach, and spoke again, the frown returning to her face. "I'm going to the bathroom, I'll see ya around, okay?"  
  
Kerry grinned again and nodded. "I'm going to go see some patients, run the ER, do my thing."   
  
Abby stood up and walked out of the lounge towards the women's faculty restroom. She rested her hand on the cold metal surface of the doorknob, and pushed open the heavy wooden door. As it opened, the image of a sickly looking woman met her eyes. The woman's deep brown eyes were sunken, further so by the dark bags under her eyelids. Her pale complexion was a pasty white that starkly contrasted with the dark bags. A chill ran down Abby's spine, sending goose-bumps all up and down her arms and legs, as she realized the woman was her own reflection in the mirror.   
  
As her skin broke into a cold sweat, Abby opened the pale green stall, and walked into it. As she took down her pants, she gasped at what she saw, and stifled a sob. Blood. There was blood in her underpants. Her hand flew to her mouth to muffle the sounds of the tears that were sure to begin flowing soon. She had lost the baby, she was spotting, it was over. A fleeting thought crossed her mind, help, she needed help.   
  
Moments later she emerged from the restroom, walking determinedly to find Carter. The un-fallen tears swimming in her eyes clouded her vision, and she ran right into Kerry, who grabbed her shoulders. "Abby? What's the matter? What happened?"  
  
She took a shaky breath, "I'm spotting."  
  
Kerry understood immediately, and pulled her into a one armed hug, her other hand still holding her crutch. She knew that it couldn't be good, and odds were against Abby at this crucial point in her pregnancy, but she tried to be supportive. "A little spotting is okay, Abby. It doesn't mean anything until we can get you checked out." While the friend in her kept her arm around Abby, the take-charge chief of the ER took charge and called out, "Randi, what's open?" The reply came and she instructed Abby to go into the room, she'd be in there shortly. With one last friendly pat, Kerry gave her a little push in the direction of the room.   
  
"Can you get Carter?" Abby whispered tearfully. Kerry nodded and motioned to go with her hand.   
  
"Randi," she called out. "Abby and I are taking a Jane Doe in exam 4, okay?" The clerk nodded and Kerry walked into the supply closet to grab a couple of things she would need. Then, she popped her head into exam 2, where she found Carter, his bowed over a patient's leg.   
  
"Carter." His head shot up, nearly hitting the lamp that sat inches away from his head. He nodded, and Kerry suppressed a smile at his clumsiness. "Abby and I need you in curtain area 1, now."  
  
His face still reddened from the almost embarrassing experience, he countered, "I'm with a patient, Kerry."   
  
She nodded. "This is critical, we need your help." She looked at him pointedly then quickly added, "now."   
  
He sighed, and with a quick apologetic glance at the patient stood up and followed Kerry out of the room. "What's going on that's of such importance that you have to embarrass me in front of a patient, Kerry?" Carter glared at her, the annoyance painfully obvious in his voice.   
  
"It's Abby," she whispered quietly.   
  
"Oh, God." His face immediately softened into one of concern for his friend and her unborn baby. "The baby?"   
  
Kerry nodded sadly. "She said she had some cramps earlier, and when she went to the restroom a couple of minutes ago, spotting. I don't know how heavy, she asked me to come get you before we do anything."   
  
Carter nodded in response, shaking his head sadly. "She was just starting to excited about the baby, too."   
  
They arrived at the door, and Carter pushed it open, walking immediately to Abby's side. Grabbing her hand, he watched as a solitary tear slipped down her cheek, leaving a dark spot on the gown she'd changed into. He watched her take a deep shaky breath, staying silent, unsure what to say. Lucky for him she spoke first. "John… I lost my baby." As if admitting it for the first time had finally caused it to register in her mind, she burst into tears and her pulled her into a hug. Kerry watched from the doorway, not wanting to break this tender moment between the two friends.   
  
Carter took the initiative to speak next, hoping to delay the unavoidable feeling the new mother would soon have to face. "Hey… Hey, Abby you don't know for sure, let's take things one step at a time, huh?" He stroked her hair, and continued whispering in her ear. "That's a good girl, just calm down." Soon enough, her sobs quieted, and she lay back on the bed, emitting a hiccup every once in a while. Right on cue, like a scene out of a play, Kerry stepped over.   
  
"Abby?" Abby nodded, wiping the last of her tears with a quick swipe of her hand, and turned her attention to the older doctor. "We'll do a pelvic first, then evaluate the situation, okay?" Abby confirmed with a quick tilt of her head and Kerry began the quick exam. As her head disappeared under the sheet, the room fell silent, matching the somber mood of the people it held. Moments later, Kerry's face emerged, the expression on her face speaking without words the answer that tore Abby's world into two.   
  
The color drained from her face and she could almost feel every last grain of hope and happiness sink to the floor in a puddle of despair. She would never see, nor hold her baby. She wouldn't be a mother, or raise the helpless newborn into a beautiful child with its own ambitions and dreams. Kerry spoke two words that confirmed it. Two words Abby hoped that she would never hear again. "I'm sorry."   
  
8~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~8  
End of Part 4  
  
Feedback is greatly appreciated… kindly direct it to gigglgrl26@hotmail.com. Just a little side note: the more feedback I get, the quicker you'll be reading Part 5.  
  
Authors Note Part II: The one I promised in the first one… I just wanted to say that I don't know anything about pregnancy, and/or miscarriages whatsoever, except for what graces my screen every Thursday night on ER. Please don't email me telling me that there were inaccuracies… I know, that's what this note is for. 


	5. Gaining From What Has Been Lost

The Man Who Holds Her Heart  
Part V: Gaining From What Has Been Lost  
  
Author: Robbie … (gigglgrl26@hotmail.com)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters used in this story. They belong to Michael Critchton, Warner Brothers, NBC, Amblin Productions and I'm sure a bunch more people who I forgot, sorry in advance. The author means no harm by this story and no infringement is intended.   
  
Spoilers: I guess up through Season 7… nothing big I can think of, but there may be some general references. The events in Rampage (i.e. the Carter/Abby "discussion") never took place. Basically… Where the Heart Is, is the last episode that applies.   
  
Archive: Contact me, gigglgrl26@hotmail.com … odds are I'll say yes but I do want to know where this goes.   
  
(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o) Indicates some sort of scene change.   
  
Note: This is part 5. In order to understand what the heck is happening, I suggest you read the other 4 parts, which can be found archived on fanfiction.net. Thanks so much to all my gracious reviewers … This one's for you!   
  
Timeline/Setting: Takes place approximately 2 weeks after Abby's miscarriage. She spent a couple of days in the hospital after the initial discovery and then about a week and a half at home recovering. This installment starts out on her first day back to work since the miscarriage.   
  
(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)  
  
Hot wisps of steam rose from the mug Abby's hands were delicately wrapped around. She blew softly to cool the scalding cup of coffee, sending ripples across its smooth surface. Then, closing her eyes for a moment, she inhaled deeply, absorbing the misty vapors into her system. She carefully lifted the ceramic vessel to her mouth, and took a long sip, savoring the bitter sweetness and letting it heat her ice cold body.   
  
Moments later, Abby set the mug, devoid of any contents, on the table. She took a deep shaky breath and willed herself not to burst into tears, the morning ritual, which had quickly resumed its position as "the norm." The wooden chair rubbed against the floor producing a screeching sound as she pushed backwards and rose from her seat.   
  
The closet opened and she reached to grab a black and brown striped turtleneck and a pair of lavender scrub pants, which were instantly thrown onto the bed. After a moment of rummaging, the matching lavender jacket too joined its match on the bed. Abby began to undress, shedding her heavy robe and slippers. Without meaning to, she found herself being pulled like a magnetic force towards the full length mirror that stood to the left of the television. She continued to strip, getting prepared to get dressed for the first time in two weeks. Her red plaid pajama pants fell to the floor, and she stepped out of them, reaching next for the black camisole.   
  
As she lifted the simple garment off her head, she expected to find some sort of mark, a big red "X," an ugly scar, an angry message, or something worse. But there was nothing. Her pale skin glared back at her in the reflection, appearing as normal as ever. She allowed herself to wonder, why was there no mark or message? No remembrance of the life that had lived there for the better part of three months?  
  
Abby gasped as she felt her hand subconsciously rub its way across her belly out of a habit. The icy coldness of her fingers caused her body to break out into goose-bumps and a solitary tear to slip down the side of her cheek. She was shocked to find that her skin felt the same, smooth and taut however the small roundness it had begun to take on was gone. As was her baby. Gone, like last weeks trash. And now, she was left alone. More alone, she realized, than when Luka had left her. More alone then ever before.   
  
Shivering, she quickly pulled on the earlier selected outfit. Allowing herself a quick glance at the clock, Abby quickly finished getting ready, pushing her earlier thoughts to the back of her mind for contemplation at a later point in time. Within 15 minutes she was exiting her apartment building into the brisk Chicago air. Even though warmly bundled in a winter coat, gloves, scarf, and mittens and hat, the frigid atmosphere sent a chill through her body and she hurried to her car.  
  
Abby turned the car's heater as high as it would go, as the rest of the car began to thaw. Within minutes she was on the way to County General for her first day back at work since she had lost her most precious possession. Her unborn child.   
  
(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)  
  
With a plethora of feelings swirling around her mind and heart, she walked into the hospital through the large double doors.   
  
"Abby!" Susan Lewis called, smiling brightly. A couple of the other nurses and doctors who were at the front desk looked up and greeted her similarly. Abby waved back, a lump growing in her throat, her stomach beginning to churn.   
  
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. She mentally coached herself, walking into the lounge to hang her coat into her locker. The continued the calming exercise, walking straight into Carter.   
  
Carter gripped her elbow to keep her from falling. "Hey to you too," he replied, chuckling.   
  
"Sorry. I was …"  
  
"Busy breathing, I saw."   
  
Abby smiled, suddenly feeling more at ease in his company. "Listen Carter … I've been thinking a lot about me and Luka this past two weeks." She paused. "And where the baby factors … factored rather, into that equation." Carter looked baffled. "I guess what I really want to know is if you heard anything from him this week. Did he call the hospital or anything?"  
  
Realization quickly flickered across his face. "Nope, not that I know of. Sorry."  
  
She smiled, mentally pulling herself together. "Thanks. I'll uh… see you later, okay?"  
  
Carter nodded. "Later it is."   
  
Abby watched as he walked to the door, pulling it open, and stepping out. His lanky body disappeared into the hall as he was once again sucked into the ER vortex. With a sigh, she began to unwrap her scarf and remove her coat, before walking over to her locker.   
  
'Lockhart', the white letters boasted. Simple and American, yet not overly common. The only good thing that had come out of her marriage to Richard. Abby's mind drifted to the young man she'd married who had quickly become the bastard she divorced. But now, Richard was not her problem. No, at the moment there was another man who had wreaked havoc in her life, her heart. Left her broken, alone, pregnant. And worst of all, wondering why. Luka.  
  
There were so many unanswered questions. So many things she needed to know, but had no way of finding out. Where was he? Why did he leave? The list was endless. But for now, she would have to settle with the simple fact that he was gone. No longer a part of her life in any way. His things had long since been cleared out, save the memories in her mind. The emotional attachment grew further apart with each passing day. And now, her one last tie to him had been severed. Her baby, which no longer had a chance at life. The baby, which no longer was.   
  
She sighed again, slamming her locker shut. And then, following in Carter's footsteps, Abby disappeared into the busy halls of the ER to lose herself in her work. Spend the day repairing other people and helping them with their problems. So that hopefully, she would be able to forget her own.   
  
(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)  
  
"I need a narcotic, Doctor, I have pain." The man standing before Abby re-iterated for the fourth time.   
  
"I'm sorry, Mr. Harris, Dr. Greene has already discharged you. He gave me specific orders as to what prescriptions I should give you. There were no orders for any sort of narcotic."   
  
"You don't understand …"  
  
Abby rolled her eyes and caught Carter's eye. "Lunch?" He mouthed to her from across the room. She nodded, holding her hand up to signal she would meet him in five minutes. He nodded and walked off, leaving her with the pestering patient.   
  
"Listen, Mr. Harris, I'll go get Dr. Greene to come and talk to you. How does that sound?" He grumbled something incoherent, while nodding his head. Abby released a sigh of relief and quickly made her way out of the room and into the lounge. Carter turned around from his locker as she entered the room, "Abby, there's someone on the phone for you. Line one."   
  
"Thanks." She lifted the phone out of its cradle. "Hello?" There was a pause as the person on the other end presumably spoke. "Mom? Why are you calling me at work? What … slow down, Mom." A big smile spread across her face. "That's great. Tell him I couldn't be happier. No, I'm good, Mom. Okay … I love you too. Yeah… we'll talk later. Okay. Bye."  
  
"Maggie?" Carter asked.   
  
"Yeah, Eric proposed to his girlfriend. She's thrilled, couldn't wait to tell me."   
  
"Tell him I send my congratulations."  
  
"I will… ready to go?"  
  
"Sure am." He held out his arm. "Shall we?"  
  
(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)  
  
Abby walked into her apartment, with aching feet and a throbbing head. Her shift had been long and busy, with hardly a moment's rest. People had been particularly cranky; both patients and her colleagues and she was ready to crawl into bed.   
  
She flipped on the light and set the day's mail onto the coffee table for later viewing. As she stepped out of her clogs, a certain letter caught her eye. It was yellowed, the black writing smudged most likely from being wet and then drying. On closer inspection she could make out the return address. "Oh god," she whispered, dropping it to the floor. She felt dizzy and lightheaded, not to mention short of breath. The letter was from Luka.   
  
She expected it to spontaneously combust into flames when it hit the floor. But it didn't. Abby gingerly reached down to the floor to pick it up. Then, with shaking fingers, she slowly tore the envelope open. And pulled out the yellowed piece of paper. A tear formed at the corner of her eye and trailed slowly down her cheek. "I can't do this now," she whispered, and stuffed the paper back into the envelope.   
  
Feelings were rushing back. Feelings that she had put at the back of her mind to be dealt with some other time. But not now. Now, she couldn't handle this. Her heart fluttered angrily within her chest, as her heaving breaths slowed. She set the letter down on the counter before slowly sinking to the floor to alleviate her dizziness and avoid a fall.   
  
Composure somewhat regained and a decision made in her mind, Abby heaved herself upward from the floor. And then, with a regained purpose she grabbed the letter and made her way to her bedroom. At this point, she stripped her scrubs from the day at work, and pulled on a white terry-cloth robe to cover her naked body. Then she journeyed the short distance into the bathroom and began running the hot water. She lifted a bottle from the cabinet under the sink and began to empty its slippery contents into the water. Seconds later, foamy white bubbles began to line the tub, filling it with frothy whiteness.   
  
She finally dropped the letter on the counter, and waited for the tub to fill slightly more. The robe slinked off her body, and once again taking the envelope into her hand, she slipped into the steamy water. Now she would read his letter. Luka's letter, Abby reminded herself. Luka's letter which would hopefully give her some of the answers she craved.   
  
And that she did. Abby bit her lip, and for the second time, removed the yellowed piece of paper from the envelope and began to skim the slanted cursive lettering.   
  
  
Dear Abby,   
It's been about three months since we've shared the same bed. Since I've felt you're body against mine, seen your lovely face, and touched your porcelain skin. And I want you to know that I haven't stopped thinking about you since. I can still feel you, touch you, see you, and that makes it even harder to forget. But I've learned how to move on, without forgetting.   
I know that you must be wondering why I left you. Some days I wonder why I left you, but I need you to know the reason. It was in no way your fault. I wasn't angry … I never fell out of love with you. It wasn't that you couldn't commit, couldn't love me the way I loved you. The way I still love you. It wasn't because of you. Something came up. An evil something. A something from my past that I had finally forgotten, that came back to haunt me and pulled me away from what was important to me. You, Abby.   
You're probably very confused at this point. I know that, because I am too. I can't seem to find the words to say what I want to. As you know, English has never been my strongest suit. I've written this letter to you so many times, both in my mind and on paper. The problem is, I don't want to speak from my mind, I want to speak to you from my heart. I suppose the easiest way for you to understand this is for me to tell you the entire story, starting from the very beginning.   
As you know, after my family was killed, I went to live with my brother temporarily. His wife, Natalija and I became very close during our days spent together while he was at work. Stress was high at that time in our country. Natalija and Dmitri had a terrible fight the evening before. She was hungry for forgiveness, and passion. I needed to feel loved, to feel a body in my arms to soothe the empty feeling I have learned to live with. As you may imagine, two people living so close together feeling such feelings as these would be drawn together, seeking solace from one another. Dmitri was away that night on business. All day, Natalija and I tried to avoid each other, to ignore the mounting sexual tension which was and never could be love. Her heart still belonged to Dmitri and mine to Danijela. But we were not able to contain ourselves. By the end of the day, we were both so torn and broken, so in need … We made love. Again and again, slowly and passionately, although I will spare you the details. Dmitri never found out. I left for the United States a week and a day after his homecoming. Nine months later, Natalija gave birth to a beautiful healthy son. But Dmitri never realized the baby couldn't be his, the timing was all wrong. And I must admit, until she told me, it didn't occur to me either. The baby boy was mine.   
The night I left you, my father called me to tell me my brother had been killed in a horrible car accident. As our plans had been, I was to go to your apartment and sleep and we would talk when you arrived home. But I stopped at my place on the way to yours to pick up another change of clothing. When I got to the apartment, there were two messages, one from my father and one from Natalija. It was the first time she had called to talk to me in two years. She told me everything. I realized that as the rightful father of Matej, her son, it was only proper for me to move out there and resume my position in his life. So I did. I suppose I was overcome by so much information at all once. In five minutes I had lost my brother and found out that I was a father. I was not myself and I did not act that way. But, that is where I am today. Natalija and I have arranged to marry and we are slowly developing romantic feelings for each other. So, in the face of tragedy, I have gained a family.   
Abby, I never meant to hurt you the way I did. My actions were rash and horrible and I will never forgive myself for leaving the way I did. I will never forget you. But the most important thing to me is that you move on. Live a long and happy life. Find your soul mate, the one you will spend the rest of your life with and grow old with. The one who can be the father to your babies. The one who you may tell all your secrets too, hide nothing from.   
Make a life for yourself; families with many children who you can watch grow.   
But most importantly, do not dwell in the past. I will never forget the love I felt for you, the way your presence made me feel. But I know that you didn't feel the same way, because there was always something between us. That something was Carter. And while I was always so jealous of him, the relationship the two of you had, I have never been more grateful for his presence than now.   
I am sure he helped you through our separation and I only hope that the two of you will go on to have something more. Because it is a relief to know that he is there for you. I always knew he was the one for you, and you for him. Because a love like yours is impossible not to notice. And even if you have not, make an effort. Do whatever you can to blossom your friendship into a relationship. This is the only thing that can calm my empty heart. To know that he is taking care of you for the rest of forever. He is a good man, and both of you are deserving of each other.   
Please do not be angry with me, Abby. I am only a person who is imperfect and makes mistakes, which I do realize. Take care of yourself. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and I wish you well in your life.   
  
Sincerely,   
Luka Kovac   
  
Abby wiped her tearstained face and dropped the letter to the floor. She had so many thoughts and feelings running through her mind. She sat back in the tub and allowed herself some time to regain composure. She was happy that he finally had a family. She could tell that he had really loved her; everything he had written had been true. Including the fact that she did not and could not ever love him the way he did her. Because she truly was in love with her best friend, John Carter. And now that even Luka had acknowledged it, she was not going to let anything get in-between them. Nothing.   
  
And with that thought on her mind, Abby lifted her dripping body out of the tub, and within 15 minutes was resting between the flannel sheets of her bed. Finally at peace with his sudden disappearance and many problems that had been plaguing her life, Abby fell into a deep peaceful sleep, vowing to take action the very next day.   
  
(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)  
  
Please review or send me your suggestions at gigglgrl26@hotmail.com. I live for your feedback … it helps me gain inspiration to write more. Basically you review and I write more, kapeech? 


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